Xianne's blog

The question possessing the tragic ability to put a life in limbo if left unanswered comes from the two words that, more often than not leaves the one asked at a loss for answers.

Now what?

Speaking from experience, spontaneous conversations invariably and inevitably hit a snag once this question is asked. I myself resort to babbling not so much to extend the minutes of the chat, but in an effort to provide a satisfactory answer to the friend who asks. I usually fail, and often the asker and I end the convo resigned to not knowing the answers—for the meantime.

Now what? 

The word “now” signifies a sense of urgency to answer the question. Unfortunately, the an answer to this complicated question isn’t always available immediately. The answer usually takes the form of a plan of action, which requires time to craft. Aside from that, reflection is usually needed for one to determine what he really wants in or wants to do with his life.

Now what?

Things would be so much easier if answers come from heaven in one swoop. I know there are also times when we’re all aware what the answers are to our questions, but we either are in denial or need affirmation to forge ahead. Some answers, however, are revealed to us slowly. We might have to experience or not experience a few more things before finally knowing what we want or need to do.

A friend couldn’t have put it any better when I asked him how I should deal with current problems. He said,

I have chosen to take the higher road because I believe in God

and I still have faith in my God.

With less than a month before I say buh-bye to my teenage years, I'm coming up with ideas on how to welcome the big 2-0 with a bang. As a start, I'm posting a list of 23 things I'm dreaming of getting for my birthday. I'm considering the creation of this list as a milestone of sorts since:

- The last time I made one was four years ago, when I turned 16. HAHA
- I don't really specify what I want when people ask me what I'd like to receive for my birthday or Christmas. I always leave them to figure it out (sometimes an unsuccessful endeavor). This is one of the rare times I'm gonna be honest. :P
- I'm hoping the wish list reaches the "proper authorities/intended recipients" on this medium and they'd be convinced to play Fairy Godmother or Father to me. 
- I'm turning 20. This might be one of the few "cute lists" I'm gonna make before life turns me into a serious git... or make me oldie enough as to switch to writing bucket lists naman.  ;)

***
1. 13-inch Macbook Pro (it's hard to finish projects without a functioning laptop, mind you)
2. Smart Pen (pen and recorder in one, available at National Book Store)
3. Blue or Gray iPod Nano
4. Blackberry Curve
5. Get Blued Ateneo shirt or hoodie
6. Black UP Hoodie (the one with gold print)
7. A DVD of my favorite koreanovelas/ animes/ Gossip Girl S3/ Lie to Me Seasons 1 and 2 (basta hindi pixelated)
8. Reall fluffy rectangular pillow (yung pangtulog talaga)
9. Disney Princess-themed birthday party (and invite the Prince CharmingS, HAHAHA)
10. Half body-sized teddy bears (preferably looking like the ones from Bear Cuddler)
11. A set of Dong-A fineliners
12. Frisbee disc
13. Accessories or boots from Forever 21
14. Shoes from Michael Antonio or Charles and Keith
15. A good book (YOU tell me :P)
16. A big tub of Chef Tony's Honey Roasted Walnut or Southern French Herbs with Cream Cheese popcorn
17. Group photoshoot package (for BBB) at some fancy photo agency
18. Weekend stay in CamSur, Bohol or Boracay with BBB
19. Asian trip for my family
20. Birthday greetings or personal visit from any of my crushes like RD, DR, CT... (wishful thinking) Wheeeee <3
21. Etude House GCs
22. Katy Perry's Teenage Dream album
23. LED desk lamp from Dimensione with adjustable stand

I hope it doesn't annoy you that I've posted two long entries today. I am just reblogging this from a Tumblr account. Lovely analogy.
***

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans . She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, “Tell me what you see.”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, “What does it mean, mother?”

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?”

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is
smiling and everyone around you is crying.

I am two weeks, five requirements and a handful of sleepless nights and late-day tantrums away from experiencing my “comeback” sembreak after taking a leave of absence last year. The week-long break “Ondoy” provided put my body and mind on a “sem(i)break mode; it is now all the more tempting to slack off in my studies. My only motivation in continuing to strive is my desire to end the semester with a bang and prove myself as a newly-minted “Iska.”

Despite the hell I went through manually enlisting myself in subjects last June, I was still fortunate enough to have gotten professors who challenged me to push my limits. Although I was critical of some of them at times (notably with my Philo and Math profs—I still swear I won’t be getting any additional Math or Philo subjects for the rest of my academic life), I still feel all of them contributed to my growth as a student.

I will be an “eager beaver” to write an end-of-sem blog when the semester’s yet to be over for me. Chronicling my experiences in UP and what they have taught me will be for another day. In the meantime, let me share my professors’ parting words during my last days of classes with them. They stuck with me because they were either profound or quirky. Read on.

 “Wag kayong mangamba kung sakaling may mga konsepto  mula sa klaseng ito na hindi niyo pa rin lubos na nauunawaan hanggang ngayon. Minsan panahon lang ang kailangan. At karanasan. May ibang konseptong magiging mas maliwanag sa inyo sa paglipas ng panahon at sa pagdami ng inyong mga karanasan sa buhay. Yung mga bagay na di niyo gets ngayon, pwedeng ma-gets nyo na paglabas nyo ng kwarto, next year o pag kuba na kayo.”
-G. Vladimeir Gonzales, Panitikang Pilipino 17 (Panitikang Pilipino at Kulturang Popular)

 “I think about the readings I assign to this class. I don’t ask you to read things just because... They have to impart something to you. They should not destroy your sense of idealism. Sometimes kasi some readings are too bleak or too goth that they don’t leave you with any hope. They just introduce you to the dark things in life and that’s it. Your innocence should not be forcibly taken away from you. You should lose it in your own time.

 Class: *blink*blink*

 And I don’t mean your sexual innocence ha?”
-Prof. Priscelina Legasto, English 11 (Forms of Literature)

 “The exam period will last for two hours but you can actually finish it in less than an hour. I am just giving you plenty of time to check your calculations, to explain your answers or ask them from your neighbor.”
-Prof. Nenita Ocampo, Math 1 (supposedly History of Math but taught as “Buffet Math”)

 “We have learned how powerful media are in shaping people’s opinion. We may not be as influential as the big media companies but we help shape the consumption of information in our own ways. It is therefore your responsibility to be wise consumers and producers of information. Bear in mind that sharing information—videos, pictures, etcetera—on Facebook or any website has consequences.  Be responsible. Kung may isang bagay kayong matatandaan mula sa BC 10, ito yun.”
-Prof. Josefina Santos, BC 10 (Introduction to Radio and Television)

“After submitting your paper on Tuesday (Sept. 22), just wait for your grades at the end of the semester.”
-Dr. Arturo Perez, Philosophy 11 (Logic)
***

Off to work now! Good luck to us whose semester is yet to finish. Go lang nang go! Time to be MAGIS!

I find myself dreaming more and thinking less lately. Trivial the observation might be for most people, it’s personally noteworthy because I know I should be thinking more and dreaming less instead.

 

I always reproach myself for daydreaming the moment I snap out of it—I know I shouldn’t be entertaining silly thoughts—but even with that, a part of me also hopes to be lost in those dreams once more.